Ann Cannon has always been one of my favorite columnist for the Deseret New. This article is about her but with a few minor changes could easily be about me. Here it is with my minor changes in parenthesis.
My husband is the bishop of our LDS ward, which (technically speaking) makes me "The Bishop's Wife." Sort of like Whitney Houston before she started getting busted for possession at airports.
As far as I can tell, my husband is a pretty good bishop. I, on the other hand, kinda stink as a bishop's wife. I offer this factual story as evidence.
OK. I am not a good sitter. I can't even sit through a two-hour movie unless the male lead (a) looks like George Clooney (Ryan Reynolds) or (b) is George Clooney. (is Ryan Reynolds) And after living with kids for the past 19 (26) years. I don't have much of an attention-span left, either. These two facts combined, frankly, make three hours of church on Sunday a pretty rough go.
That's why I sometimes sneak home during the middle of meetings while you're all in class!
Anyway, I enjoy the experience of being at home by myself on a beautiful Sunday morning. It's quiet. It's peaceful, it's serene. It's everything church WOULD be if you didn't have to go there with your kids.
I turn on KBYU and listen to "St. Paul Sunday Morning." I read the Church News. I meditate. (If I turn on the TV it would be to see the latest score of a football game or the PGA Tournament.) (I might look at the Church News....I would meditate)
Also, I open up the fridge and find a cold Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) that I've hidden from all of you! (Ha! Ha!) (Yes, now that TJ can no longer have caffeine, I do have it hidden)
So here's what happened not too long ago. I went home one Sunday morning, put up my feet, and opened a can of Dr Pepper. (Diet Coke)
Which, by the way, I didn't have to share with any of you! (She shoots! She scores!)
The only problem was that I didn't finish it before it was time to return to church. So I took my can of Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) with me, drove up to the church and sat in my car, where I finished drinking it.
OK. I am not a good sitter. I can't even sit through a two-hour movie unless the male lead (a) looks like George Clooney (Ryan Reynolds) or (b) is George Clooney. (is Ryan Reynolds) And after living with kids for the past 19 (26) years. I don't have much of an attention-span left, either. These two facts combined, frankly, make three hours of church on Sunday a pretty rough go.
That's why I sometimes sneak home during the middle of meetings while you're all in class!
Anyway, I enjoy the experience of being at home by myself on a beautiful Sunday morning. It's quiet. It's peaceful, it's serene. It's everything church WOULD be if you didn't have to go there with your kids.
I turn on KBYU and listen to "St. Paul Sunday Morning." I read the Church News. I meditate. (If I turn on the TV it would be to see the latest score of a football game or the PGA Tournament.) (I might look at the Church News....I would meditate)
Also, I open up the fridge and find a cold Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) that I've hidden from all of you! (Ha! Ha!) (Yes, now that TJ can no longer have caffeine, I do have it hidden)
So here's what happened not too long ago. I went home one Sunday morning, put up my feet, and opened a can of Dr Pepper. (Diet Coke)
Which, by the way, I didn't have to share with any of you! (She shoots! She scores!)
The only problem was that I didn't finish it before it was time to return to church. So I took my can of Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) with me, drove up to the church and sat in my car, where I finished drinking it.
Well, as I sat there in the church parking lot, sipping my Dr Pepper (Diet Coke), I started to feel a little guilty, a little sleazy even. (This was Ann's words not mine. I don't feel guilty) Somehow I couldn't quite see Mary Ann or Carolyn, (Debra or Julie) the wives of our former bishops, hiding out in their cars during church like a bunch of AWOL deacons.
Suddenly, I was completely embarrassed for myself. (Not really embarrassed either but adds to the story)
Just what was my problem, anyway?
That's when I decided I would be a GOOD bishop's wife, as opposed to a LOSER bishop's wife! From now on, baby!
Suddenly, I was completely embarrassed for myself. (Not really embarrassed either but adds to the story)
Just what was my problem, anyway?
That's when I decided I would be a GOOD bishop's wife, as opposed to a LOSER bishop's wife! From now on, baby!
Right then and there!
I'd do everything I was supposed to do!
By the time I died, Mormons all over the world would be singing my praises,
saying what a fine, nonsluffing bishop's wife I was!
saying what a fine, nonsluffing bishop's wife I was!
They might even give me a mention in the Church News! (Yahoo)
I jumped out of my car and sprinted into the church like a pitcher to the mound, ready to put my new resolve into action. I strolled into the chapel, where I waved and smiled and shook hands with ward members all the way back to our pew.
It was only then I happened to notice (this is the truth) THAT I WAS STILL HOLDING MY CAN OF DR PEPPER! (Diet Coke)
OK. For those of you who haven't spent a lot of time in LDS chapels, I can totally promise you that you don't often find people taking little midmorning soda breaks there. Especially if you're the bishop's wife. In fact, if there were such a thing as a "Bishop's Wife's Handbook," it would probably have the following two rules.
RULE No. 1: Be good.
RULE No. 2: Don't go wandering around the chapel with a cold Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) can in your hand … duh … thereby alerting everybody that you have been sluffing instead of going to Sunday School again.
It's little experiences like these that have caused my family to lately call me names like "addict." They keep trying to bet me that I can't stop drinking Dr Pepper. (Diet Coke)
Well, I can, you guys. Honest!
I jumped out of my car and sprinted into the church like a pitcher to the mound, ready to put my new resolve into action. I strolled into the chapel, where I waved and smiled and shook hands with ward members all the way back to our pew.
It was only then I happened to notice (this is the truth) THAT I WAS STILL HOLDING MY CAN OF DR PEPPER! (Diet Coke)
OK. For those of you who haven't spent a lot of time in LDS chapels, I can totally promise you that you don't often find people taking little midmorning soda breaks there. Especially if you're the bishop's wife. In fact, if there were such a thing as a "Bishop's Wife's Handbook," it would probably have the following two rules.
RULE No. 1: Be good.
RULE No. 2: Don't go wandering around the chapel with a cold Dr Pepper (Diet Coke) can in your hand … duh … thereby alerting everybody that you have been sluffing instead of going to Sunday School again.
It's little experiences like these that have caused my family to lately call me names like "addict." They keep trying to bet me that I can't stop drinking Dr Pepper. (Diet Coke)
Well, I can, you guys. Honest!
But come on now. Why in the world would I want to?
For all you honest to goodness BYU fans.....Ann Cannon is LaVell Edwards daughter. She has a column in the Monday Paper.
Love it Sherry!!
ReplyDeleteVery funny. I do think Ryan Reynolds is a little young for you. At least my little crush on George Clooney is someone in our decade.
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious! That just made my day because it had my name written all over it too!! Only if I sneak home for a Diet Coke I am smart enough to leave the other half in the fridge. The whole time Mick was the Bishop I planned on quitting my nasty little habit. I failed, because..."Why in the world would I want to."
ReplyDeletehilarious. i now like ann cannon too.
ReplyDelete